Barely Working Guide To Dating
Dating can be a minefield at the best of times. Sure, you might think it was easy enough to get the date using your smooth robot dance moves, Pokemon card collection or intimate knowledge of the extended Star Wars universe (I mean, who could resist?), but actually undertaking one is a whole new game with its own rules and pitfalls.
Thankfully, this post is on hand to help. Consider it your guide through stormy seas, your trusty steed in the battle of love and your mini-map in a pixelated 90s RPG – because if you follow these simple rules, you’ll be moving from awkward smalltalk to holding hands by the third date…
Barely Working Tips for Dating
1) Being prompt is extremely important. Arrive at least two hours early and inform your date via text/email/fax.
2) Before you are seated, take as much cutlery from other tables as you possibly can. Everybody knows the more sets of cutlery at a meal, the classier said meal is.
3) Show you’re willing to fight for your date. Order flowers from a “secret admirer” and then punch the delivery boy in the face to assert your dominance.
4) It’s important to let people know you’re not afraid of commitment, so carry a wedding ring in your pocket at all times.
5) Bring a coat to romantically drape over your date’s shoulders. A fluorescent cagoule works best.
6) If meeting someone from a dating website or app, be sure to wear a t-shirt with your display picture to avoid any confusion or awkwardness.
7) Keep the conversation fun. Clowns are fun. Talk about clowns.
8) Hand your date a feedback card at the end of the evening.
9) Show your sensitive side by bringing up Mufasa’s death in The Lion King and crying uncontrollably.
10) Demonstrate your impulsiveness by leaving without saying anything and not contacting your date for a week.
11) Do not speak more than your date. If your date waits for you to initiate conversation, a light whisper is considered acceptable.
12) People often look for a partner with good family values – bring your Mother on the date to demonstrate this.
13) Offer to pull out your date’s chair and immediately pull it away as they sit down to demonstrate authority.
14) Modern science suggests that even complex romantic choices are pre-determined by an inexorable chain of chemical reactions. Remind yourself of this often – dismissing the illusion of free-will will help take the pressure off.
15) New partners are often insecure about past lovers. Keep a detailed table of performance so they can accurately compare.
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